I am seeking ACU’s Masters in Theological Studies because my deepest desire is to know and experience God more and pass on what I am learning to others. First, there is a need to explain some important lessons He has taught me so far.
I grew up always attending church, Sunday School and Wednesday night classes. At age ten, I responded to the invitation during a gospel meeting at Highland Church of Christ. I had long had a saving faith in Jesus and now felt the urgent need to commit my life fully to him. I understood that I was making a true commitment to the Lord Jesus. My parents agreed and both my brother and I were baptized.
I’d always loved Sunday school but became more attentive.
But all was not well that year. Here is a description from two paragraphs from my book, Remade: (writing from the book will appear in a lighter color).
Near the end of my tenth year, my best friend and I found something completely unexpected in the alley: Polaroid pictures of a naked woman had fallen out of a trashcan in the alley. We somehow knew, even at that early age that this was no something you took home to show Mom. We kept them hidden — our little secret. We looked at them occasionally and continued to look in that trash can for more. It was like a passage into manhood. It was exciting and felt like a new found kind of freedom, But actually, it was a passage into slavery, one that would take a hold of me for nearly forty years.”
These years of entrapment were filled with endless cycles of varying lengths: indulgence — hiding in the darkness — guilt and shame — throwing the playboys out — asking God for forgiveness.
Eventually, God put me on the path to real victory. There were many lesson along the way. These, too are described in my book, Remade.
Getting Desperate
As I threw Playboys out for the last time, I prayed to God more desperately than I ever had. I fully acknowledged my sin, no longer glossing over my part in it. I no longer played “the blame game”—pointing out the part played by my first wife, the enemy, circumstances or the world. I had dug the pit I was in myself, I had trained my eyes to roam, looking for the objects of my lust. I had trained my mind to fantasize about them. I had acted out those fantasies, seeking relief. I now knew I alone was responsible.
I prayed not just for forgiveness but admitted my total inability to cope. “I can’t do this anymore, Lord. On my own the results will be the same.”
I begged God to guide me, to lead me to answers, to receive real help from others. In desperation, I laid it all in his hands. I also said I was willing to do whatever he wanted. I believe these two elements were key in finding the path to victory. They were necessary for him to lead me to the path. I could not have walked it otherwise.
Shedding Light on My Darkness
Jesus came to us talking a lot about light. One of the most profound things he said is he is the light. “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” I first learned the power of shedding light on my darkness. James advises, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
Close Help
I’ve found one of the greatest helps in fighting this sin and others has been meeting with a brother or two and having a spiritual review of our week. We admit any failures we’ve had and encourage each other, then plan to do better the next week. But we don’t just talk about the things we do wrong, we share the good things, too—what great time(s) of worship we’ve had—what new thing God showed us in his word—what touched us in our prayer and meditation time. These are encouraged and bring inspiration.
Personally, I feel led to shed light on my darkness publicly, often. As a former and current preacher, God expects me to reach out and lead others to what he is teaching me. He has taught me much about joining my brothers to find victory and so I will encourage others to do the same.
The shedding of light upon my lust brought relief. It made the wrestling with sin a real fight, not just a giving in. The light brought others into the fight, brothers to stand with me, brothers to pick me up when I fall. It helped me to allow God to shed his light on me—to bring me to his great light. Now, I very regularly pray, for God to draw me—and others to the light.
Eventually, these brought victory over the pornography for two years. But I still lusted after women regularly, especially at the gym. I began to pray when I arrived in the parking lot. At first, I was focused mostly on my need and weakness, I didn’t have much success.
Then, it dawned on me one morning. I needed to apply what I had learned in the study, Experiencing God. I did not need more knowledge; I did not need better techniques—I needed more of God. I prayed, “Lord, please let me experience you through the temptation today.”
As soon as I started warming up on the elliptical, a passage from Revelation came strongly to me. “Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.” I repeated this several times. I remembered how this phrase is said in heaven 24 hours a day. I contemplated how important it must be. And I found thinking and praying about God’s holiness and his strength was far more effective than praying about my weakness. The woman I was most attracted to passed in front of me, and I hardly noticed! I thought “Now, I am getting somewhere!” These thoughts and reflections successfully carried me through the whole week without lust.
The Source of My Yearning
One time, while we were at Garmisch, Linda was busy in a training and I hiked a bit closer near where this picture was taken. I reflected, for a long time, about God’s handiwork. I felt so much awe for him. I thanked him for what must be one of most beautiful scenes on earth. I sang songs of praise. Then I sensed God saying, very clearly, “This is beautiful, because I am beautiful.” Then a bit later, “This is but a dim reflection of my beauty.” I meditated on this truth a long time.
Beauty is all around us, from grand scenes to the smallest life forms. This is because it is natural for God to create beauty; it is part of who he is. Women are beautiful because of his beauty. They are made in his image and reflect this part of his nature better than men. And the magnificence of the most gorgeous woman in the world is only a dim reflection of his splendor.
This truth now often comes to mind as I look upon women. For me, it is the most powerful weapon in my battle. Most of the time now, when I see a lovely woman, I am able to thank the Almighty for reminding me of his ever-greater beauty. When I quickly say this prayer, my thoughts do not wander into lust. This applies, regardless of how beautiful she is or what she is (or is not) wearing.
The Real Solution to Sin
So much of the church lives like the world. The numbers of marriages that end in divorce and those trapped in sexual sin are almost the same. Every day news outlets report several new church leaders resign, or are removed, due to moral failure. And this doesn’t even touch on sins of the tongue, selfishness, pride, and sins of omission.
I’ve come to see the real cause of sin is the lack of focus on God. I want to be part of the solution — earn a Masters in Theology, focusing mainly on the nature of God. Then, earn a doctorate focused specifically on the glory of God.
My life has proved that this passage holds the key to life, “May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desires.” 2 Peter 1:2-4.
This writing makes clear that truly knowing God and Jesus our Lord will bring tremendous promises, including participating in the divine nature. Knowledge in verse two is ἐπιγνώσει, epignosei — all knowledge. This includes knowing God and Jesus mentally, spiritually, and experientially. That we can know them so well that we actually participate in their Devine nature is far beyond what I could have imagined and is what causes the corruption of the world to fall away. I can think of nothing more important. So I desire to attain the credentials to teach this any where and full scholarships will be necessary to make this happen. Kent Dickerson
remadepreacher 